Narcissistic mothers and their children. While I haven't been raised by narcissistic parents I've been in a relationship with a female narcissist who was mother to a two year old daughter. And I can tell you that some of the most painful realizations I've had about the scourge that is narcissism - had to do with the realities unfolded between this mom and her kid.
At the time we met I had no idea this woman was an N of course. But I was sure to find out - the hard way - as is so often the case. If you've ever wondered if females with (pathological) narcissism can love, read on and decide for yourself ...
I still remember the day I was talking with my narcissistic girlfriend over the phone, where she had just finished telling me how she had no choice but to tie up her daughter - because, well ... she was being a handful.
Maybe it was the casual tone and mention - or perhaps the fact that it came so completely out of left field - that I didn't even react to this shockingly disturbing news. It was as if my mind had been shot with a paralyzing dart - going numb. It was as if she hadn't said it; her remark flying right by me.
The full import of what I'd just heard sank in only later, as I thought ...
'Was I dreaming? Did she really say that?! Did I hear right?'
'Did she just say she tied up her own daughter because she was misbehaving?!'
I couldn't believe it. I was dumbstruck. It didn't c-o-m-p-u-t-e.
Up to this point in our relationship I was still under the (mistaken) impression that the gods must be smiling down on me from above for introducing me to this woman - one of the most loving and caring mothers I thought I'd ever met.
[In hindsight, I realize I was confusing 'doting' for 'loving', but had no way of really telling at the time. To my mind, a neglectful mother would have raised a red flag. And this woman ... I'm telling you ... was anything but neglectful. At least not overtly.]
And then ... within the short space of our casual conversation - bam! Everything changed. What I'd just heard was so unexpected, so completely out-of-place - it was as if the world was suddenly turned upside-down on me.
What am I supposed to see? What am I supposed to feel? What am I supposed to do? Everything's upside-down dammit! When you're this disoriented things just don't register properly.
At the time I suspected nothing of the malignant narcissist this woman actually was. I had no mental shelf, no frame of reference, no category to put what just happened. I had been blindsided.
This slip-of-the-mask was one of the first true eye-openers I'd had to the hidden relationship that narcissistic mothers and their children actually have. It was diametrically opposite to what she projected it to the outside world to be.
Which somehow made the whole thing so much worse - as near diabolical as I've yet to encounter to this point to be sure.
It was a stark realization, but it finally dawned. The narcissist's daughter - the little girl I had come to love and cherish by now - was a means-to-an-end for her mother.
Nothing more; nothing less.
You might say her mother loved and valued her - but it was the kind of love that only a narcissist could muster. She loved and valued what her daughter could provide.
Normally it's the parent who provides for their children. That's why a mother and father usually think long and hard before bringing a baby into the world. With the narcissistic mother I was dating there was no such considered deliberation, and why would there be. After all ...
I remember how strange it was when my narcissistic ex told me (pretty early on in our relationship mind you) how having another baby would be a walk in the park for her. She said how most mothers talk about it as being something hard, but that for her having a child was easy - a piece of cake.
I took it, at the time, as quite a remarkable statement to make - in a good way. Not only was it a stroke to my male ego (implying that she'd be ready to have a baby with me at the drop of a hat) but I remember thinking, 'This woman's really together - strong yet charmingly carefree to boot. Sign me up!'
Now, however, I know the chilling truth of why she said it; and what it really meant.
A child of a narcissistic mother becomes one of her primary sources of narcissistic supply. One of the four things a narcissist is going to do - is to extract narcissistic supply. The more intimate and vulnerable the target - the richer the source of supply.
Narcissistic mothers and their children? Certainly - and unfortunately - fits the bill.
No wonder a child was 'easy' for her! An available and juicy lifeline of narcissistic supply at her fingertips anytime she wanted. Now what's so hard about that?!
If you were to ask me at the end of the day ...
'Can a female with malignant narcissism love?' I'd like to lend my voice to this two year old daughter and say - 'perhaps as much as a tiger falling in love with its prey.' The impossible psychology of female narcissists at play.
Narcissistic Mothers and Their Children
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